I love animals.. i have had every kind you could think of dogs, cats, hampsters, ferrets, guinne pigs, rabbits, birds, squirrls… never a duck though.
this upset me i have always wanted a duck. I decided that i would get one to call my own – and this is kinda how the story goes:
there is a pond not to far from where i live that is overloaded with ducks. Honestly by taking a duck i think i was helping the pond was more populated with ducks then beijing is with chinese people! so i watched as these poor ducks swam about praying that some person would take one in and raise them for the better.
I loaded up my car with a box ( also known as a duck car seat ) and grabbed a box of cheerios and was on my way. Not two seconds after the first cheerio hits the ground a swarm of ducks gathered (obviously because there was no food and i was saving their lives)
It did not take long for one of ducks to get close enough for me to cover them in the box – he was not willing at first but he did not know that i was going to make him the happiest duck in the whole world.
The duck is in the box and i am sooo excitied to get quackers (by this point he had a name) home! all the sudden three, yes that is right three because cops in new jersey have nothing better to do, pull up at the benchs – lights and sirens and the whole sha-bang!
Now i did not know i was doing anything wrong, and still don’t believe i did… but my reaction whenever cops are around is to run. And that i did! i ran ten feet and stood still throwing cheerios to the surrounding ducks – pretending as though that is all i had been doing. The cops were smarter then i expected however and one officier walked up to me
“Excuse me, you’re not trying to catch a duck are you?”
I replied “Who me? No.”
The cop was no more then 2 inchs away from my face so the ‘who me?’ was not really answered. Officer life ruiner asked “Well then how did that duck get in that box right over there?”
now I am thinking maybe 20 feet would have been a better choice over my 10 feet but it was too late at this point to relocate discreatly. So i replied “Oh he came out of the water like that sir.”
Unfortunetly this was the world’s smartest cop ever and saw right through my story. At this point it is obvious to him that I was guilty, and to me that this was illeagle (no signs?). The cop assures me that i will not be charged this time but that he has to have a little talk with me – I am not sure which is worse.
“These ducks and geese are very dangerous, in fact, in Europe they use them as guard dogs.” This is how the officer begins his speech making me wish i was charged and that we both had the right to shut the fuck up. This officer is not even making sence, he is a complete liar! he continues by adding, “I actually hunt these birds, and they do not die easy. You have to shoot them in the head at least three times!”
WHAT! All i want to do is save this duck from this scumy third world pond. My plan was to dress him up in an I LOVE HELENE shirt to match my I LOVE QUACKERS shirt. I wanted to walk around the streets of my town with him like that boy and his dog in my dog skip, or that boy and his dog in airbud! so while I am risking my life, to devote it to duck caring, and this guy just wants to blow off their little heads! I am sorry but I don’t think I am the one who should be in trouble with the law when this son of sam cerel duck killer is on the loose!
I guess I will find a new pond!