also lately i have been getting very into religion (catholic) i have started hanging out with this amazing guy named dylan he offered to be my mentor through religion which means a lot so i agreed. It is truely an amazing religion. What i really believe is if you do good you get good and vise versa. karma. but having some faith and some knowledge is an amazing thing

however this does not mean i am ready to stop some of my lifestyles. I do drink and i do not think there is anything wrong with that even tho dylan decided to quit. One of the commandments was not do not drink or smoke ciggerettes. It is not like i do hard core drugs but that guilt of feeling like even though i pray i still believe that i am messing up in some way constantly is driving me crazy! I know that it is not considered wrong if i am aware not to drive or speak badly or something of the such but i do not know why i always feel like i am frowned upon. At least i am not as bad as some of my friends or all  of my friends – hopefully this is just a blur in my acceptance towards god.

any advice?

In my decievingly innocent voice I asked what was a matter with him. My mother replied, “He has a disease, he can think like you and I but sadly he can not move or talk like you and I. His mind works but his body does not.” I nodded thinking stronly about what she had said.

My mom turned her head talking to the lady in the office. after about 5 minutes the lady behind the counter went to go find papers – my mom took this second to check make sure I was okay. She was thinking when she turned that i would be sitting in the seat i was told to quiet and still.

sorry mom but that was not the case. Instead she saw that i had climbed the side of this poor boys chair and was in the process of shoving a pink frosted cup cake into his mouth. He was snapping his hand back and forth on his romote control – trying to fling my small body off this lap but I had a strong grip!

My mom ran over picked me off this boy, looked around a wiped his face clean of pink frosting, and apologized explaing that I did not mean to hurt him and was just a dumb little girl.

I took offense to this dumb comment but remained silent. As we left the office (we did not wait for the lady to return with the papers my mom just wanted to get the hell out of the building) she asked what I was doing.

I explained that I thought the boy wanted a cupcake because he could not move I was feeding him.

she replied, “WHAT MADE YOU THINK HE WANTED A CUPCAKE?!”

“Common mom, who doesn’t want a cupcake?!”

From now on I was constantly warned when we went out about ‘PERSONAL SPACE’ no matter who wanted a cupcake or not!

I love animals.. i have had every kind you could think of dogs, cats, hampsters, ferrets, guinne pigs, rabbits, birds, squirrls… never a duck though.

this upset me i have always wanted a duck. I decided that i would get one to call my own – and this is kinda how the story goes:

there is a pond not to far from where i live that is overloaded with ducks. Honestly by taking a duck i think i was helping the pond was more populated with ducks then beijing is with chinese people! so i watched as these poor ducks swam about praying that some person would take one in and raise them for the better.

I loaded up my car with a box ( also known as a duck car seat ) and grabbed a box of cheerios and was on my way. Not two seconds after the first cheerio hits the ground a swarm of ducks gathered (obviously because there was no food and i was saving their lives)

It did not take long for one of ducks to get close enough for me to cover them in the box – he was not willing at first but he did not know that i was going to make him the happiest duck in the whole world.

The duck is in the box and i am sooo excitied to get quackers (by this point he had a name) home! all the sudden three, yes that is right three because cops in new jersey have nothing better to do, pull up at the benchs - lights and sirens and the whole sha-bang!

Now i did not know i was doing anything wrong, and still don’t believe i did… but my reaction whenever cops are around is to run. And that i did! i ran ten feet and stood still throwing cheerios to the surrounding ducks – pretending as though that is all i had been doing. The cops were smarter then i expected however and one officier walked up to me

“Excuse me, you’re not trying to catch a duck are you?”

I replied “Who me? No.”

The cop was no more then 2 inchs away from my face so the ‘who me?’ was not really answered. Officer life ruiner asked “Well then how did that duck get in that box right over there?”

now I am thinking maybe 20 feet would have been a better choice over my 10 feet but it was too late at this point to relocate discreatly. So i replied “Oh he came out of the water like that sir.”

Unfortunetly this was the world’s smartest cop ever and saw right through my story. At this point it is obvious to him that I was guilty, and to me that this was illeagle (no signs?). The cop assures me that i will not be charged this time but that he has to have a little talk with me – I am not sure which is worse.

“These ducks and geese are very dangerous, in fact, in Europe they use them as guard dogs.” This is how the officer begins his speech making me wish i was charged and that we both had the right to shut the fuck up. This officer is not even making sence, he is a complete liar! he continues by adding, “I actually hunt these birds, and they do not die easy. You have to shoot them in the head at least three times!”

WHAT! All i want to do is save this duck from this scumy third world pond. My plan was to dress him up in an I LOVE HELENE shirt to match my I LOVE QUACKERS shirt. I wanted to walk around the streets of my town with him like that boy and his dog in my dog skip, or that boy and his dog in airbud! so while I am risking my life, to devote it to duck caring, and this guy just wants to blow off their little heads! I am sorry but I don’t think I am the one who should be in trouble with the law when this son of sam cerel duck killer is on the loose!

I guess I will find a new pond!

I am thankful for the times we had
looking back I can’t be sad
so close we were
I hope to stay
but it’s hard to make promises
from miles away
I’m not trying to stop you
I wouldn’t dare
To be perfectly honest
I am proud that your there
So you can learn and grow
and come into your own
i just pray
you find your way home
but if time winds down
and you begin to fade
i will understand
that people change
and close to my heart
i’ll smile when i say
that you and i were best friends
back in the day

______________

Secrets

Clentch your secrets in your hands
because nobody will understand
never let your secrets go
cause people change with what they know
they rearrange their point of veiw
becoming someone completely new
those that once loved you will begin to despise
best friends of yours are soon to critisize
cross you fingers and close your eyes
to take it to your grave means you have to die
sometimes the secrets creep into my head
but only when i’m alone asleep in bed
wake to a pillow drenched in my tears
those memories are my biggest fear
slave to hide the truth
cover everything up tight
because there are some secrets that should never see the light
Become someone new put on the act let them see the fiction
but hide the fact
remeber nothing lasts forever except you past
I may not be over it
but i’m never looking back

_______________________

Fade

Let’s fade away
into the dark
stay up late
with all the stars
count the speckles
in the blue of your iris
let’s run away where no one will find us
escape to your car and drive away
singing out loud to the tunes of yesterday
speeding down back streets
caught up in the night heat
miles away from civilation
you and me without hesitation

_______________________________

Ashamed

I am ashamed
not at you, relax
don’t let your hands clam up, twist and fidget
don’t let the guilt settle in the pit of your stomach
please don’t let me matter now
spare me the villan role
i am only disgusted by myself
my unexcapable notion
that people matter
that layers down they are vibrant
filled with bold color, intellect, compassion
that idea i could find it and capture it
that it could be bottled or framed
and that everytime i stumbled across it
i could feel the emotions run as they did
when i first uncovered it
a feeling i never felt before
an empty space filled
but when people’s true colors show
i am ashamed
walk over me please
stab me in the back
if you can find and empty spot
so used to it i may not even flinch
and luckly you dont have to fear
that thick suffocation guilt
i won’t call you out
i won’t point the finger of blame
i won’t acknowledge your betrayl
if that makes you happier
i will just crawl my way to a dark corner of your thoughts
where you won’t see me
you can just ignore me
better yet forget me
erase my exsistence
if that makes your days a little more livable

i know i am all over the place. welcome to my life ha.